You can't kill the Rooster. The Rooster, he don't die.David Sedaris, from 'The Rooster Gets Married'
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but I still keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.David Sedaris
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.David Sedaris
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.David Sedaris
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded waste paper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.David Sedaris
My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are, and you’re likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.David Sedaris
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.David Sedaris
The woman next to me on the plane was so ostrasized by her own odor that no mortal would ever dare ask her to move her bag from the center seat. To see something like that, well, it just plain gives you hope.David Sedaris, 'The Plane'
When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.David Sedaris
For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it’s funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I’d squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I’m now told that this is not called “going to sleep” but rather “passing out,” a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment.David Sedaris